Learning to accept the unacceptable

I have been thinking about whether or not I wanted to write about this and if I really wanted to expose my feelings and thoughts in such a manner. I realize that this is something that I want to write, it will be good for me emotionally but also think that by talking it might help someone out there that is going thru the same thing.

How to even start?

Miscarriage....such an ugly and scary word for any woman out there!!! It was a word that I had heard way to many times from friends/family that unfortunately went through it. I however for some reason, you can call it being "naive", never thought that this would be a word that I would ever have to use personally!

Well, here it is.....I had a Miscarriage! ugh, just saying it makes me shake and want to cry. It is such a horrible feeling. Loosing a baby no matter at what stage of pregnancy you are, it is completely and utterly devastating. I remember walking in that day so full of excitement and joy at seeing my little peanut once again moving around and hearing his/her heartbeat. I couldn't wait to share that moment with Ryan, who unfortunately missed our 1st ultrasound. Laying down on that table and looking at the screen with such a huge smile on my face, holding Ryan's hand and telling Tyler "Look, honey our baby is on the TV."

Realizing within seconds that something was not right...I squeezed Ryan's hand and held my breath, but nope no change. The heart monitor was nothing but a flat line, my baby was not moving around. Looking at the tech praying to God that she would say that the machine was broken, but knew instantly that it was not so. Having to hear her words of "I'm so sorry, but the baby's heartbeat is gone." The look of pity on her face as she heard the scream that came out of me. Looking at Ryan and seeing the tears falling down his cheeks as he tried to stay calm and telling me that it was Okay. Feeling like I was dreaming and that I would wake up from this ugly nightmare.

But, NO! It was not a dream, it was reality. Our little peanut was gone! Having the doctor come in and explain to me that for reasons unknown the babies heart had just stopped beating! I just couldn't stop crying and thinking "NO, NO" you are wrong. How could this be? I don't feel any different, I have no pain, no bleeding, how can you tell me that I miscarried at 13 weeks and had no clue. That my baby died inside of me and I didn't know. What kind of a mother doesn't know? Doesn't feel like something is not quite right?

Driving home that day I sobbed my heart out. I don't even know how to put into words what I felt. How in my mind I was thinking of how I would tell my Sweet Olivia that the baby she so wanted was no longer there. That the little "Sister" she already envisioned was not going to happen? How do I explain it to her? Where will I find the words and strength to do it, when I am falling apart.

Calling my brother, and saying for the first time " The baby is gone, the heartbeat was gone." Hearing him curse and scream "No", baby I'm sorry." Knowing that in a few hours I would have to tell my mom, dad, and everyone else whom we had told. Knowing that I just wouldn't be able to bear it, to have to say those ugly words again.

Knowing that the next morning it would only be worse. Knowing that once I walked into the hospital, they would take my baby and that would be it. Feeling like such a failure! Guilty...did I do something wrong? Going over and over in my mind the last 13 weeks, looking for anything that I did that could have made me loose my baby. Asking Ryan, over and over "why", why us?

I remember so clearly walking into the hospital on Dec. 10th and feeling like I was walking into my death sentence. I felt so utterly devastated and couldn't even walk without Ryan holding me. Checking in and seeing that pity on the nurses faces when they realized why I was there. Feeling anger and wanting to scream when they said to me that it was okay, it was better this way. My body knew there was something wrong and it did what it had to. It was in God's hands and for me to have faith!

Ah, Faith!!! I completely lost mine during that time. I was so angry at God for giving me such an amazing gift and than ripping it from me. It took a long time to accept that he knows what he was doing. That I need to let go and embrace him. I still struggle, there are days that I still get angry and than I have to stop myself, and once again start the steps towards Acceptance and learning to have Faith.

With each passing month I learn to accept more and more. I no longer feel the overwhelming urge to scream and cry when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn. I no longer sit and look at the pictures of my babies births and cry knowing that I will not experience that joy with my peanut. I can hold a baby and not feel like my world is falling apart. I am growing stronger with each day, and I know that if not for my husband, my children and for finally letting my faith guide me, I would still be struggling in that dark ugly place.

Today marks three months that I walked into that hospital, and I have cried several times already. I am crying right now, as I pour my heart out. This morning I woke up and my first thought was that my peanut would have been 6 months ... that in just a few months I would have been heading to the hospital and giving birth. With every passing day I think about June 20th, and how I will have to get thru that day, knowing that I will not be coming home with a new bundle of joy. It will be such a bitter sweet day, Ryan's birthday, and what we imagined that day would be, but will not!

There are so many stages in grief, and I know that I had to go through all of them in order to get here. The, Sadness, Guilt & Anger. They are all important steps to learn to accept the unacceptable.

To my sweet little peanut, my angel up above, mommy thinks of you everyday and I love you! I know in my heart one day I will hold you in my arms.