Wow this week’s post is really long however in I really feel like if we each take the basics of what this author is trying to say than we will have a foundation on which we want our relationship to grow upon.
This was the first “exercise” which Ryan and I completed and so I have added a few of my own goals/feelings upon each one of the commandments of marriage. I can tell you that it was very eye opening to me to sit down with him and go over each one of these individually and hear each other’s thoughts.
I know that I have said this before, but will say it again. It is because of our differences that our relationship works. We balance each other out and now we just really need to learn from the other and improve/work on our shortcomings. We both have them and now its time to face them and stop being ashamed of them. By doing this we are not only helping our relationship but ourselves individually which is so important.
{My apologies to my hubby for airing out some of his "bad habits"; please just remember that I still love you with all my heart despite them. }
Directions:
Set aside at least an hour to sit with your partner and read together the 10 Commandments of Marriage. After you reach each one, discuss with your partner whether or not this is something that you need to work on. The important thing to remember is that you should not get upset at him/her if their answer is not what you expected. This exercise is about being open with your feelings without having to fear any repercussions. What is discussed in this exercise should in no way later be used against your partner.
Ex: “I would like to play golf at least once a week”.
What he is trying to say is that he enjoys the sport and the time he spends with his friends; not that he does not want to be with you and your family.
1o Commandments for a Happy Marriage
The Thoroughly Modern Married Girl by Sara Bliss
1. Thou shalt not live in a bubble. “Sometimes love is such a whirlwind of crazy joy that you forget that there are other people, things, and activities in the world besides the two of you. While this is understandable, you have to have outlets, otherwise you'll drive each other bonkers.”
“Your marriage will be a lot more interesting if you keep on being the fascinating gal you were before he met you. You'll also have a lot more to talk about over dinner.”
Ok this is sooooo very true! How many of us feel guilty to take time just for us? I know I do! Prime example: I have turned down going out to dinner with girlfriends or even with my own mother because I feel bad leaving Ryan home alone. Now the reality is that we both need time to interact with our friends and do things apart otherwise we will start resenting each other. One thing that we are going to work on this week is come up with a calendar which will be posted in our kitchen where we will be able to write down the following:
1) Red: Family Outing
2) Blue: Ryan Outing {His time alone or with friends}
3) Pink: Ana Outing {My time alone or with friends
Now of course “outings” should and need to still be discussed with each other, the calendar is really more of a reminder to each of us of what is going on for the month and also to ensure we don’t “double-book” ourselves.
2. Thou shalt respect all forms of life, not just married life. “Life becomes awfully narrow when your social life revolves exclusively around other couples. One too many brunches spent talking about the real estate market will make you think you've died and gone to married hell. One benefit of your wedding was that you had the chance to introduce all of your previously separate social circles to one another. So once you're wed, keep mixing things up: his friends and your friends, work friends and school friends, neighbors and family, old friends and brand-new acquaintances, singletons and smug marrieds, parents of twins and the child-free.”
Thankfully for us this is certainly not a problem because we like each other’s friends and really don’t categorize our friends with “yours” or “mine” anymore; they are just our friends.
3. Don't worry. You've still got it. “When you were single, you met cute guys everywhere -- at the Laundromat, on the subway, at funerals. Once you're hitched, it's easy to miss the buzz of universal male admiring attention. But unless you're a movie star and you absolutely have to look lustily at other men because it's your job, don't go batting those eyelashes at anyone but your beloved. Don't worry, you still have the power. You've just got to take it on faith instead of soliciting daily proof.”
This one kind of made me think a little because really I am not the type of person that ever wanted or need attention from men in that way; and certainly not now that I am married. But once I really thought about the “meaning” of what the author was trying to say I realized that I am going to take this into another direction. I am going to change it to “Be Confident & Sexy”. Yes, I am going to make sure that I continue to make every effort possible to look beautiful for both me and my hubby. That means taking an effort with what I wear, putting make up on and do my hair. I want him to look at me and think “WOW, my wife is beautiful and sexy.”
4. Honor thy mother-in-law and father-in-law. "Your in-laws may be incredible bores, gossipy and nosy, or so tacky and embarrassing you want to hide under your turtleneck when you're out with them. Whatever type you've inherited, welcome them with open arms whenever you see them. No matter what you think of them, remember that they are responsible for raising your terrific husband. Even if you really believe that he only turned out normal due to some sort of divine intervention (think Marilyn on The Munsters), give them the credit. So listen to your father-in-law drone on and on about weird weather patterns and act riveted. Eat your mother-in-law's scary meatloaf (even if you prefer things green) and don't forget to ask for seconds. Grab another glass of wine if necessary.”
The author said it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Ryan and I had lots to say about this one, however in order not to hurt anyone's feelings I will keep it private}
5. Thou shalt not even bother trying to keep up with the Joneses. “Let's get things straight. There will always be a couple that is funnier, more attractive, sexier, wealthier, nicer, hipper, healthier, smarter, more successful, and more glamorous than you two. Got it? Even if you are the grooviest couple in the room at one party, you won't be at the next. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other couples (some of whom you will find out later were just faking it on the road to divorce court), you will miss out on enjoying how happy you are just being yourselves"
Now this I couldn’t agree more with! I’m very thankful that we both are happy with what we have and that we don’t envy anyone elses lives.
I can tell you for a fact that not all marriages are what they seem like. For years and years not only I but everyone that knew my parents thought they had the "perfect" marriage and always commented on how they wanted to be like that. Well long story short it really wasn't a fairytale and now they are divorced after almost 38 years of marriage. Their "perfect" marriage had one to many people in it. {My father's mistress!}
6. Fight a clean fight. “When you were dating and you got into a spat you may have found that slamming doors, crying and racing back to your apartment were effective tools in winning an argument. He would be so lost without you that he would come running over and say he was sorry. Well, I hate to break it to you, but the tactic is not going to work now that you are married and living together. You're a lot better off staying calm and staying put to solve a tiff. Fight a clean fight and you are guaranteed at least that he'll listen to your point of view. Winning is up to you.”
Yeah, Okay I will admit it loudly that I am GUILTY of this one! Boy AM I ever! This is something that is on my list of things to improve on for both my sake and also my marriage. Arguments in our house usually turn into screaming matches because I am one of those people that holds on to every single “past issue” and brings it back into the discussion. I know that is totally and completely wrong and once you say that you forgive someone for something that you need to let it go; so that is what I will try to do.
7. Be a team. “While you are both successful, independent people, don't forget to cheer each other on, support each other's crazy dreams, and encourage each other to live your best lives. If he's up for a promotion, become best friends with his boss at the office Christmas party. If he's always wanted to ride in the Tour de France, buy two tickets to Paris to see it up close. Lousy day for him? Treat him and his buddies to an after-work gripe session at the corner pub. On the days where your star is shining and his isn't, make sure to pass him the winning shot. In a mean and crazy world isn't it nice to know you always have someone on your side?”
This is something that I think I kind of lost track of. Not the supporting part, but the part where I feel like I am a part of the “team”. The truth is that once I gave up my career to stay home with Olivia I kind of felt like I was not contributing to the “team”. To me it was more like I was just there while Ryan worked his butt off to provide for our family.
This is something that we have discussed several times and he is devastated that I felt this way because in his eyes I am the foundation of this “team” since I am taking care of our most precious achievements; our family and our home.
Don’t get me wrong I would never go back and change the fact that I am a very LUCKY mother to be able and stay home with my child, I just need to finally put aside all the comments that I have heard from friends and even family and remember that its what both my husband and I think that really matter. We are our “FAMILY” now and our decisions are the only ones that matter.
8. Be fabulous. “Be comfortable being unconventional, glamorous, or unique. You don't have to become June Cleaver now that you're hitched. Who cares if you guys like to have the Christmas ornaments up in June, don't have matching silverware, or prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon to a fine vintage? Let your hair down. You've found someone who loves you, warts and all, so be the marvelous off-beat woman that he fell in love with and never try to be some cookie-cutter Mrs.”
I certainly don’t want to loose the “Ana” that Ryan fell in love with; however I think this one is kind of hard. I know that I go through this crazy phase where everything needs to be in order and in its place, and than I go through the phase that is fine with things not being perfect. I guess it’s really finding a happy medium on this that will help us.
I did notice that the carefree “Ana” from our engaged years is not as “free” anymore and I would like to have a little bit of her back into my life. I want to enjoy things without feeling guilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Be romantic. "Don't stop being romantic, sexy, creative, impulsive, spontaneous, and crazy in love now that it seems easier to rent a video and order takeout. Take tango lessons, get season tickets to the ballet or hockey, go ice-skating hand-in-hand, and let him pick you up for a date. Don't be afraid!"
"Most important, don't ever forget the power of an unexpected drop-everything smooch."
I know I can say that with absolute certainty "both" of us have been greatly slacking on this one, and we will be working on it in the future.
10. Be thankful for your partner. "If through everything, you remember to be grateful for landing the most wonderful man on the planet, your marriage will reflect that, every day."
Its easy for us to have days in which we only see the bad points in our partner, like he leaves the toilet seat up, his shoes thrown all around the house, his clothes next to the hamper, he picks his nose; well you get the point.
The truth of the matter is that it is at times like this that we have to remind ourselves of how truly lucky we are to have him in our lives. In my case I am going to close my eyes and think about how sexy he is, the butterflies I get when he walks into a room, the I feel when he touches me, how smart he is, what a hard worker he is.
